Being my first post, I think it is appropriate to introduce myself as well as an introduction to the life and situation that I am currently living. The past 3 years have been a long and crazy ride. I wanted to document it in a journal so that maybe it can help someone else. I think I’ll break it up into three parts since it is how I see my life’s stages.
Pt 1: Birth – 27 y/o
So this first part of my life has been lived in misery. I had massive depression, anxiety and anger as a child, teen and early adult. I had gone through some sexual abuse and wasn’t sure how to channel it. Nor did I get much therapy so I was never taught how to handle what I was going through. I think the one thing that always stuck with me since the beginning though was my heart for people and my need for wanting to help. I never knew what to do with that either.
My early 20s brought a lot of big changes for me. I can’t go into complete details about those things yet. As much as I would love to be transparent with everyone, there is certain reason why I cannot. For now. Just know that I got myself into some bad situations that was nearly impossible for me to get out of. In my mind I had a bad relationship with my family and couldn’t depend on anyone but a guy that was emotionally and financially abusive towards me. I felt stuck. God had closed all the doors to keep me in that situation. I knew that he wanted more for my life. I grew up Christian and despite my life choices, I always kept my relationship with God close. So when things were not going to go well I spoke to him and said:
“God I know this is not the life you have in mind for me. I am out of options. I’m frightened, I’m confused, and I clearly don’t know what to do. I have proven that my way isn’t working and the only thing I can see for myself is death. So here is what I’ll do: I’ll submit my life to you. I’ll join the Air Force and you can take me to where you want and need me to be. I can’t do this alone and I need your help. Please do with my life what you desire.”
Completely surrendering my life to God, trusting that when I jump he will catch me, I applied for the Air Force at the local recruter’s office and with in 2 months I was on the plane to Lackland, Texas for Basic Training. I was so scared but I knew that this is what had to be done to get me away. It was in Basic Training where my faith was tested but also became solid. I went to church every Sunday and I swear, every sermon was meant for me. There was one about “Active Faith” and what it means to not just ask for what you want or need, but to KNOW that he will provide for you. So I decided to test this. Whenever there was a test or anything related to my fear of failing. Rather than asking for his help, I said “God, I’m doing this for you. I know you will get me. I know this is what you want me to be, so I trust that you have me”. I got a peaceful feeling knowing that I don’t have to know anything.
For instance, throughout our whole time there we had to memorize some facts that were AF related but my mind goes blank when I’m under pressure so I was terrified. When one of the officers who was testing us on our knowledge stopped in front of me, rather than asking me a knowledge based question he simply asked “If something ever happened to you while you were in in basic that was of a sexual or abusive nature, you’d report it to me, right?”. I was STUNNED for what seemed like a minute before answering that I would tell him right away if something bad happened to me. haha then he moved on to the next person asking a knowledge based question. It was little things like this that made me have complete faith that I was where God wanted me to be.
Same thing happened in Tech School. I can’t tell you what I learned there. I knew I was not very good at learning this job, but miraculously, I ended up passing every test. Not to say I didn’t work hard and study harder. But I was scared that I’d fail. And God would prove me wrong. Even if I got the minimum scores, I still passed and that was what mattered.
Pt.2: 28-29 Y/o
Even though it was only 1 year, I had more change in this year than my whole life. You see, I had grown up with mental illnesses, including eating disorders. ED was my way (as it is for most people) to deal with stress and anxiety. Once at my first base, it just went too far. If this was where God needed me to be, how come I felt so stressed and so depressed and was suffering so bad? I had no idea what to do. So I gathered my courage and went to the Chaplain to ask him for help. He helped me get in to the Behavioral Health at the clinic and I was able to talk to the therapist about my situation. She worked with me a great deal. I think it helped me a lot because I was ready for the changed and wanted to be better for myself. I got on meds (zoloft) and worked hard on my mental health. But I realized that wasn’t enough. My ED was still bad. After much contemplation, I asked if I could admit myself into a hospital for treatment, which the therapist and psychologist were more than happy to help me do.
Before this, I had to cut out my family from my life. They had been toxic to me and I needed a fresh start to clear my head and get myself in a better place mentally. It wasn’t forever, but I’ll get back to that later.
I spent 1.5 months in the hospital and it was so good for me. I met some beautiful ladies there and nurses as well. When I left the hospital, however, the challenges came on. I had do everything on my own. But I worked through it. I eventually was able to move out of the dorms (since that was a major contributor to my issues.) I had ups and downs. I still had depression some days; highs and lows; relapses and recoveries. It has always been 2 steps forward, one step back. But nonetheless, have made more progress in that year than my whole life and learned so much. It was a beautiful experience and I am SO proud of myself for gathering the courage to do that.
Pt. 3: 30 – present
Even more changes presented itself in 2019. My birthday was in January, at the start of the year. When I still felt depression, I took a hard look at myself. I said “I spent my whole life in depression and anger. I’m done with this. I refuse to allow my 30’s to be the same way!”
I started meditating along with the Calm app. Then little by little taking on other changes. I had been told by so many people that I should listen to podcasts. I started with TED Talk Radio Hour on Spotify. There were some episodes that helped me in so many ways. Then I expanded out to UnFuck Your Brain and that was amazing for Life Coaching and learning thought work.
It was around this time when I had started letting my family in. I had cut them off before going to the hospital. But one by one, I decided to let them in. I told them EVERYTHING I had gone through and my perspective.
The first person was my older sister. She had reached out to my best friend wondering why I blocked her and wanted to connect with me. I was hesitant at first since her and I were never close. I thought that it was too late for us to get close but that was certainly not true. I messaged her, telling her my story, how I viewed our relationship and set boundaries and expectations for a future relationship. Her and I have been super close ever since.
The next person I reached out to was my mom. The reason I decided this was because she had written me last summer and I got the letter from a friend of the family’s when I had visited my home town. Her letter had touched me. I could tell she was sorry and reflected a lot on our fight the last time we saw each other and also sorry for how things ended up in my life. I had a lot of thought before writing her back. To be honest I never thought she would want to accept me after I revealed some of my truths. I was hesitant at first. But then… I had a thought. A thought about a future life with a husband and children. and them wanting to go to Grandma and Grandpa’s house. I knew I could never deny them that. I didn’t grow up with grandparents and it was an experience I would never deprive my children of.
After hearing that she had changed for the better, I was relieved and sent her an email. What I didn’t expect was her to want to be apart of my life after I revealed everything about my past pre-Air Force. But they welcomed me with open arms. I was super honest and upfront about my life and she was still okay with who I was and loved me as a person.
The last person was my older and younger brothers. We also had similar discussions and they were very happy to accept me back into the family.
That was a healing that I absolutely needed. I don’t like having hate in my heart. I didn’t want to stay mad at them for the past things that had happened. I needed the support. It helped propel me into stronger faith and change.
As far as now goes, I have done a lot of work with Podcasts that I have been listening to and have come to the conclusion that what God wants for me is to be a life coach. It is such an obvious choice for me when I spend a lot of time listening and counselling friends and my sister often. Haha she even thanked me for being her big sister when it comes to these things. Despite her being older haha. I realize that it is my season to find the things that I want to do with my life career wise. I will be back in the states in almost 2 months at my next duty station. I will be there for another year and a half til I get out of the military. I love business and as I come from a family of entrepreneurs, I also want to own my own practice.
So my purpose for this blog is to write down what is next for my life and write about my trials and tribulations. I’m sitting in a Starbucks right now, waiting for a conference call with a lady from a certified life coaching training school. I am excited for this new experience. Scared to put myself out there, but once again, I know this is what God wants for my life. He has brought me so many blessings and I want to repay him by making the most of what he has given me. It’s exciting. I just know he will take care of me as he always have.